Announcement

To the Photo Center Community,

Hello! It’s Drew.  I am writing this letter to explain a few things about myself and the center.

I have been experiencing tremendous levels of burnout since the center opened.  There are a variety of reasons for this, and I don’t need to go through all of them, but I will explain a few of them to you.

After getting out of an abusive relationship in 2021, I was left to try and pick up the pieces of my life.  And I was really unsure of who I was as a person in that moment. This is prior to me getting diagnosed with Autism, which did help me piece together many things that I couldn't find answers to before.  But there were still more questions and more answers for me to find.  In the last few months, a therapist floated the idea that I actually have ADHD as well.  And from previous experiences in my life, I also carry a lot of PTSD.

All those things aside, I have wanted to open a place like the center ever since I started my volunteering and work at Youth in Focus.  I loved the idea of being able to pivot a lifelong hyper-interest and act of expression of mine, and be able to teach it to others.  My original idea for it started in 2014/2015, and originally, I wasn’t thinking non-profit; I was going to try and make it a “business”.

Eventually, in 2021, I floated the idea of doing this again to My Dad, and he was open to me giving it a go and was going to support in his own way.  He is also undiagnosed with ADHD and has had his lifelong struggles, whether he knows it or not.  So he was willing to let me take out a loan on his small house in Minnesota.  And in order to do that, we were going to have to combine my income at the time, his house, and my Mom’s retirement income to be able to apply for the loan.  My mom was more than happy to participate in this and even co-signed on the loan for me.  This whole venture was a risk, but with the support of a few people in my life and my parents' understanding of my work ethic, when I really care about something, they both felt confident that I would give it a really strong go. And oh boy, I have.

Rental of the space and buildout started in the Fall of 2022 with the intention to open January(ish) of 2023. Both of my parents helped me periodically with logistical things, and I built the space out solo for the most part.  I don’t do plumbing, leave that to pros.

Much of the buildout was done in December, so I flew home to see my folks, and when I saw my Mom, I just knew she was sick.  You couldn’t hear it in her voice when I talked ot her, but the minute I saw her, I knew it was bad.  Two weeks later, she was diagnosed with Stage 4 pancreatic cancer.

So my budget, my plans, my timelines for things all went out the window. And the stress just imploded my executive function at the time.  I was splitting my time flying back and forth to try and help her as much as I could while doing center stuff and taking care of my dog. I flew back here in early February with the intent to fly back out, as she was fading fast, but I was running out of money (I had built a budget to sustain the center for 6-9 months with no money coming in, as I had learned that was smart business when starting something new, you have to assume that not a single person will walk through the doors for 6 months). My Mom’s health really turned fast, and I simply could not afford to fly back out to Minnesota to be with her when she died, and that was very upsetting to me.  She was a level of support that I had been counting on for a while, just to help me navigate some things.  My Mom is someone who struggled with her own neurodivergence, but she always had a great empathy for others, especially those who she saw were in pain.

I was devastated, and spent two weeks on the couch after her death, honestly debating whether I should even open the Center’s doors or just call it quits right there.  I opted to open.  A platitude that I learned when I was young was “You make the most with what you have” or “Work with what you got.” And I am a firm believer that people are capable of accomplishing great things for themselves and others, even if they come from little means (fucking capitalism). I also just refuse to listen to naysayers. Some people think some things are impossible, until it’s done, but that can require a lot of work and sacrifice, and I have told people before that I am willing to sacrifice a lot for something I believe in, and the center is something that I believe in.

I digress, doors opened first weekend of March 2023, and I put myself in there day in and day out, open to close, even though no one was really coming in. I feel consistency and repetition helps me, and being able to stay consistent for others is a good thing.

A couple of weeks into opening the center, my dog of 12 years fell ill, and I had to send her off too (this is never an easy choice for anyone).  She was in pain.  It hadn’t even been a month since my Mom died, and I was in incredible pain all over again.

But we trudge on, right?! Things to do and whatnot.  So I did, and the center just didn't make money, so I had to get creative if I wanted to keep it going.  But I was more or less doing it on my own, and I felt like, financially, anyone I would’ve talked to, would’ve just told me to take the loss and call it quits. Conventional wisdom, this is incredibly accurate advice.  I don’t always like conventional wisdom, and keeping this place open was really important to me for a variety of reasons. So I did.

By August of 2023, I had sold my paid-off Jeep for $6,000 to keep the center afloat, and then subsequently financed another car, because I needed one to haul stuff for the center.  I was also 6 months behind on my rent (I had a serious beef with the landlords not fixing my heat for 18 months, so not paying them didn’t bother me; that property management company I think, fits the true definition of slumlords). If anyone reads this who lives/lived in that building, I think they would agree.  So over two days, I grabbed anything around the apartment that was sacred to me personally or that I thought would be useful, and I just walked.  This whole thing is now in collections that I am trying to slowly get them to drag me to court, because I don’t care if I lose, I want to say my piece in front of the judge so that building owners are finally forced to actually spend some money on the goddamn building for their tenants. Fuckers!  Oooooo, I do get agitated.

So I lived on a couch in the back of the center for about 5 months, and I did have a few people who were incredibly gracious in that time and helped me maintain things for myself so that I didn't spin out entirely.  Eventually, I landed the job at the college, but the best I could string together was enough money to live out of cheap motels.  I can tell you the staff at the Motel 6 down by the Winco in Lakewood were very nice, and the staff at the extended stay in Fife almost became like family as I navigated all this stuff.  But it was stress, just constant stress on me. And I was masking to beat the band around others.

Eventually, things turned around a bit, and I found an apartment, and I have been in one for a little over a year now, and that honestly feels really nice.

But the stress continued around the center, and I was just wired to a T with it. And at the center I have dealt with everything from keeping the candy jar full, to paying and meeting with immigration lawyers to battle some bullshit (or at least try to)  By this time, though we had some regulars and some folks that wanted to help, and so it was turning the corner, but I was still spun out, and my executive function was spinning out entirely. And I needed people to understand what I was trying to do, but I could not explain it, so then I just butt heads and some folks whom I put a lot of trust in.  Not that they are untrustworthy by any means, no, they are wonderful people themselves, but they didn’t jive well with the direction I was trying to steer the center. So last year, I had a pretty intense crash out in November that lasted until February.  The problem was that I wasn’t getting rest in my time away; in fact, it was the opposite, I felt constantly bombarded by it in my own home environment.  I allowed it to happen because I have always felt that Center-related things, good, bad, or otherwise, are just what I signed up for, so you just eat it.  Doesn’t matter if it pisses you off in the moment, doesn't matter if I think someone is being an asshole in the moment, you just eat it.

In February, I went back full-time and did my best to course correct on a few smaller things.  Honestly, they laid the groundwork during my absence to make some needed changes that I wasn’t seeing, and I honored their work by keeping some changes and going further in implementation with other changes.  Happy to do it because it was good stuff.

But the workload was right back to previous levels, and my stress hadn’t dissipated; it had grown more acute, because I felt misunderstood. I was lacking the calmness to be able to communicate properly. And I have discovered that I actually have greater sensitivity to things than I previously thought.  I think I am actually very sensitive to light, but I just ignore it, which I am then just putting myself under stress, and I think it's a little weird that I became a photographer, but I do love taking photos.  In all of this, too, neurodivergence and concepts of burnout and the like were being introduced to me by community members, but again no time to explore these things for myself.

Acute stress has just continued to build, and my neurodivergence has continued to struggle, and my lack of personal understanding of it has made things challenging.  And I have been unable to ask for assistance frequently, because I don't think I know exactly what is needed, and I am just running to try and stay ahead of everything.

But since February, new and wonderful people have been introduced to my life and have been patient with me to try and figure this stuff out, and those are the ones who are currently helping the most at the center.  And they are not just helping the center, I recognize by proxy that they are also helping me, and that is something I deeply appreciate when I can actually find the time to reflect on it.

And I don’t like talking about this stuff because I feel like I am a whiny martyr here, and I cannot fucking stand people who act that way around others.  I am sorry, it just drives me nuts.  Shits rough sometimes, and to sit around and complain about it just never made much sense to me. One thing I do and will say is that much of where the center is at has come from sacrifices, not just from me, but also from others, it did not get to where it is today, just because of me, it didn’t.  I try to hold enough sway to make sure that what I feel is the spirit of the place exists, but the actual work has not been performed solely by me.  And I respect that greatly.

Roughly two weeks ago, though, decades of masking and years and years of acute stress, and I experienced an epic neurodivergent burnout.  It has happened to me before, but I just didn't know what was happening at the time.  In this newest one, though, I also experienced a tremendous loss of a sense of self in all the running around I have been doing, and things that I have been trying to manage.

And my executive function really imploded, and I reached a point where I couldn’t even type something out, like it was a complete system shutdown for reboot.

Then this last Tuesday, the stress also decided to rear its ugly head, and my blood pressure spiked so high that I got confused and couldn’t wrap my head around anything, and I went to the ER.  They clocked my blood pressure in very dangerous heart attack territory (and I had taken my blood pressure medication that day), and the theory right now is that I have lived in that territory for potentially years. So hurray for me, I guess. (Anyone who knows I smoke is lecturing me right now. I am working on it.)

The point is that for right now, I am done to an extent.  I cannot manage the day in and day out of the center.  It is too much for me at the moment.  And that may last for quite a while.  So I need time at home to think, write, ruminate, listen to music, and just work my job at the college, to the best of my ability, and learn how to take it easier on myself and get physically healthy again.  I love cooking really nutritious food for myself when I have the freaking time.

So the center will have new and familiar faces around.  There is a good crew over there with Cormic, Levy, Cennady, Marnie (my partner), David, Fozzy, August, and there are tons of other community members who come in to help. Like, I cannot express that if I just listed rad helpful community members I know, this whole document would be just that.

And I also plan to help, but just need to do it in very different ways right now, and allow myself to offload it or walk away from it, if it is just more than I can handle.

So now I am going ot make the ask of the community.  There are several ways that people can help the center.  And I am going to list a few out and explain a few things.

One, we need stable financials.  We have never had them, and we get months behind on things, trying to keep everything running.  Money comes in, but it is wildly variable, and frequently, big chunks of it can get eaten up by late and past-due fees.  I struggle with this because I have a very strong stance on money and dealing with money, and I do not believe that the center should throw up any financial barriers to access to the arts. So I just don’t push the money piece on folks who walk through the door, because I have no idea of the status of their life in that moment. Does being passive about money create a situation where some really self-centered people who can contribute just choose not to? Yeah!  Do I care? Not really.  That’s on them; I want to help those in actual need as much as possible.  Some of those self-centered folks have needs too, and it is typically steeped in pain, but I cannot fix that for them in the center, much as I try sometimes.

But even with all that aside, money for the center can be the single greatest help right now, but I want everyone to think about it more the way I do.  It is great to be able to contribute large amounts of money, which feels good. But for many, that just isn’t the reality of something they feel is doable. I understand this entirely.  Grew up with little and have gone most of my life with little. But we don’t need big donations.  When I look at the center’s IG profile, and see ~2400 followers, what I see is if every one of them can kick in two bucks right now, and for the next few months, that's more than ample for our operating budget.  If everyone kicked in $5, then we would have a budget to convert some of our volunteers to staff, etc, etc.  Big donations will always be welcome, and I am hoping that I can increase my bandwidth enough in the near future to chase after a few partnerships and grants to help supplement. If I cannot do that work right now, I have folks in mind to offload it to.

Beyond money? Things like coming in and offering to take out the trash, or sweep the floor, ( I am a firm believer that no level of work is beneath me, I’ll shovel shit all day if I get good health insurance and can pay my bills, but sometimes with everything going on, cleaning and organizing can be a challenge for me ). Or hang out and tutorialize new folks coming in who need help on film development, donations of old gear and equipment are also helpful (right now drop-offs would be preferred).  But coordinating a lot of these things requires a lot of logistics and good executive function.  The folks who will be taking over at the center for a while are new to several things about how the center runs, but I trust them and have a lot of faith in them.  I am asking you, the community, that if making a simple donation of money doesn’t work, but you want to help, DO NOT inundate them with the logistics right now.  Give them a bit of time to get their sea legs, and then they can reach out to the community for that other type of help.  And I personally have almost zero capacity to guide them at the moment.  My only goal for the foreseeable future is to get physically healthy again and reduce my stress to as low as zero as possible.  People in my life have said I have earned this, so I am going to trust them that I have, in fact, earned this.

So ulitmately the center may continue or it may not, but right now, much of that is out of my control and to be perfectly frank the easiest solution to keeping things going right now is to be able to throw some money at the problem, but I don’t want community to feel that undue burden, just contribute what they can, when and where they can and go from there.  And navigating the community is soooooo challenging for everyone involved, and I feel we serve an incredibly diverse community, and that is exactly what I wanted when I opened to doors.  I cannot tell you all that when the center is really cooking and in a nice flow, I could look around and just cry tears of joy; it makes me so happy.

The challenges of that diverse group of people, though, require anyone who walks through the door to have a very simple mindset in how they want to engage.  And it’s Honesty, open-mindedness, and willingness.  These are platitudes that I learned long ago and have been a framework for how I have engaged with others throughout my life.  And you just won’t care for some people, and that is ok, but another thing I learned when I was young is to keep my judgments and opinions to myself.  People are incredibly complex creatures, full of their own life experiences, so I try my darndest not to snap judge on someone and to also try and understand that sometimes people also just have bad days, but that in and of itself doesn’t necessarily make them bad people.

Another platitude I have is HALT.  Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired.  I have been unable to check in on myself with this for a very, very long time, and so that is more what I plan to do now while I rest and recover.  And I will be around and trying my best when I have more bandwidth, but for now, today.  This is the only thing I can do for the center.

Regards,

Drew

PS. I hope this all makes sense. I frequently doubt my own coherence to others. And if you are following my personal Patreon project, that money goes towards the center’s needs as well, and I will get into a better flow with the Patreon side of things, but that project is definitely more personal. Also, classes at the center this quarter that I intended to teach will be taught by someone else.  Trust that they are as capable and knowledgeable as I am, because I trust that they are as capable and knowledgeable as I am.

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Art is a journey for everyone